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He was about 25, red-faced and with trembling hands. He was quite drunk. I decided to take a cardiogram. I switch on the apparatus and while unwinding the wires I ask him: "Did you have alcohol yesterday?" The fellow keeps silent. The surgeon says: "It seems there has been a lot, yesterday and today, too. How much have you drunk?" The young man still keeps silent viewing a little crack on the ceiling.
The surgeon takes him by the hand and says: "I am asking you, my dear, how much have you drunk?" The boy came to himself, looked at us in wide-eyed astonishment and said: "Oh, and I thought you were speaking to each other…"
2. This story happened to a relative of mine who worked as a dentist. A girl came to him to have her tooth extracted. The tooth was successfully extracted but the bleeding did not stop even in 40 minutes. So the doctor went to a senior doctor to ask what to do.
The senior doctor told him to ask the gild if she had menses as in that case she needed a certain injection to stop the bleeding. So the dentist comes up to the girl and asks her in a low voice: "Have you got menses, Ms?" The girl answers: "No. But tonight I am busy."
3. One day the hospital department curing ulcer got the modern Japanese instruments (light guides) for examining bowels. One of them was designed for examining through anus and the other - through mouth. On the face of them they did not differ from each other. Very soon the one used through the oral cavity was broken. And it so happened that a patient (a major-general) being from a very high level came to the hospital to be treated just by that instrument. Without a moment's thought they decided to examine him through the oral cavity but using the "anal" instrument. The instrument was too big for the oral cavity so the doctors decided to use a metal ring as an expander. Then they put the expander and the instrument into the oral cavity of this major-general. But they failed as the patient did not manage to swallow this light guide and soon bit through the metal ring into four pieces with his teeth. In two days a Japanese specialist from Japanese branch in Russia came to the hospital and saw the anal instrument with the imprints of the patient's teeth.
Needless to say that seeing that the narrow-eyed Japanese had right away turned into a round-eyed one.
Being highly bought up person he did not ask any questions, took the remnants of the instrument and left promising to send them another instrument. It was said, that even being in the plane the surprise was still on his face and his eyes were round.
4. This is another story told by an acquaintance of mine, a gynecologist. He works in an antenatal clinic. And there they have a medical treatment when a certain instrument is put into a woman's vagina. To make the process sterile a condom must be put on the instrument and the patient is to bring the condom with him because our medicine is so poor that it can't afford condoms free of charge. A very young and very modest girl comes to have this treatment and she is feeling very nervous. This is her first experience and she does not know what is to come. The doctor filling in the girl's card is giving standard instructions to her. He says: "You have to come tomorrow morning for the examination and take your medical card, a clean sheet and two condoms with you. Is everything clear?"
No answer. He looks up at the girl and sees that the girl has turned red in the face and is feeling very tense. The doctor does not understand what the matter is and asks her what has happened. And the girl says: "Well, doctor, I agree…" It was long before he understood what she had agreed to.
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